Not sure what to do here 24/09/2011
I recall when I first started this blog. It was a great idea at the time. I had goals, I had directions and had some reason behind what I wrote whether it ws random or not. It was a positive thing amongst the other positive things I had been working towards. I thought I had something good to give, to share. It was driven by a dream to move to another state, by the discovery of ways to make money online to help me earn more without physically taking on another job since I was a single mum with 2 jobs already and a way to get known. When I started I was working up to 15 hours a day and sometimes for 2-3 weeks straight between those 2 jobs and then spent another few hours on top between answering support emails for the now dead 10DW answering surveys and mindlessly clicking paid emails and ads to rack up those few extra dollars towards my dream. I made a good $7000 from that drive online from various things. The dream was real ... the reasons at the time were really just that I needed an escape. Wanting to be happy I only showed people the side that could be on occasion to people. I bounced off walls inside myself trying to hold myself together. As I chased that dream ... and loved the fact that I actually had an ability to do some things that were quite huge for me at the time .... it got harder to hold myself toegther. After the massive trainwreck that became myself for a few weeks I have managed to find some true contentment in what Im doing. Having found a job I dont find painful to wake up to .. and actually enjoy doing has been a good thing. As of a couple of days ago I handed in my formal resignation at the last job having decided that I dont need the airport parking perk and coming to a realisation that I just plain dont want to go back to something that was really a major stress factor for me. Ive finally dug myself out of the massive financial rutt I was stuck in .. Im no longer flying by the seat of my pants from week to week stressing over when, where and how I can pay that next bill. They are finally now coming in almost paid. Im getting good sleep for once in I dont know how long and Im eating well again. Im getting out to see people more regularly and am even organising a get together in a few weeks, a number of the people I havent seen or made any real solid effort to see since I ran away to Queensland. Im quite surprised any of them accepted the invite and said they'll be here. With hitting the hardest wall of all ... facing myself, I have found the upkeep of my blog to be a hard thing. I dont like it so much at the moment. I dont like the way it looks. I dont like the darkness. Ive made a few attempts to inspire myself into redesigning it (again) with not much luck at staying focused on that. Ive even thought about deleting it altogether. I find myself lost on the fact that every time I think about it I just dont know what to do here to change the things Im not particularly liking about it. 1 Comment How time flies 28/08/2011
I didnt realise how long I have been neglecting here until looking at a friends blog that kindly pointed out its been 3 weeks since my last post. How time flies. I finally managed to get electricity after 12 days without. The first 5 days were a bit of a novelty, I stayed with friendsfor the first bit but after that I was homesick and found a way to manage at home without the power. Geared up with a gas camping stove I had a way to make a cuppa and hot water for my hot water bottle ... and with a shitload of tea light candles I once bought years ago I had light and thankfully between gym, work and a mate that lives close by I was able to shower and get my phone charged up to have some internet access (as frustrating as it was at its slower than my ADSL speeds and inability to sit on more than one page). The bonus was that I at least got 2 weeks rent free but boy was I glad to get full power back at the house. Speaking of work .. I managed to find a new job that doesnt stress me out like I have been in the cleaning job Ive been at since August last year. Now Im cleaning, checking in and relocating new cars. Nice bunch of people and nowhere near as physically or mentally draining. Ive only been there 2 weeks but Im loving it. Ive even managed to get a somewhat normal sleep more nights than Ive been restless and I once again look forward to going to work. I havent been playing much with the online money making side of things but I did just recieve a withdrawal request from Centurion Wealth Circle yesterday. This is my 2nd withdrawal request. I have to wait for the restart of JSS-JPB to get new positions there as my initial positions have expired while I havent been looking at things so closely. My PureProfile balance was nice enough for me to decide to withdraw my balance there too so I should be seeing that in my bank account (not alertpay) in the next 2 weeks. I cant complain at money for virtually nothing thats for sure. Im not making money like I was a couple of years ago when I first started looking for ways to make money online but neither am I putting the effort into it like I used to either since the real life often takes over. These past weeks between work Ive changed all the main rooms in my house around and even started getting to work on my yard that has been so neglected for months in my stress and lack of motivation to do anything. Back to doing and learning to BE, not wallowing under the weight of all that I tempoorarily lost the ability to know how to deal with. Ive spent much time actively getting myself back to a more positive place. My most confronting experience with the psychic and some events just prior to that gave me a personally big wake up call on just how much I had been internally sliding into a great heap that I really didnt recognise I was falling into until I feel into it with a hard thump! I noticed one big circle Ive not really seen in my life until the past couple of months. A pattern of self destruction Ive been somewhat blind to. Being a child raised in sever domestic violence, abuse and quite a lot of psychological trauma I have learnt to cope in my efforts to escape continually being the victim and have it effect my present and future on a great scale. Ive learnt that its amazing what you can hide (even from yourself) while in denial. There are scars that may never heal but I recognised something a little scary in my coping abilities ... or more so when Im not coping so well that I never noticed before. Most of the time I am what I want to be ... cheery on the surface to others. I am motivated and I work hard to get what I have. I have raised a child who has never seen the traumas and tragedies I had lived. I have been touched by many beautiful people. The circle of self destruction has always been there, I just never saw my behaviour as that before. Moments where I just give up. I didnt think I was giving up at those times, always thought of it as just riding the down hill where I withdraw from people on a real life and virtual scale. Smoke more, drink stupidly, not eat for days on end, sit in my pyjamas when I should be dressed and either sleep too much or spend hours upon hours restlessly trying to sleep because I just dont want to be awake. I tend to not connect anywhere when I cant give people a "face" I know they would rather see. I dont like to scare people or turn them away with some realities of me so I become the busiest person who in reality is doing nothing but hiding from the world and myself. Years ago I decided to fake it (happy) til I made it. I finally found myself lost and not really knowing what was me or what was me faking it. Constantly tryingto retrain my thoughts and arguing between the person I want to be, the person I had no control over actually being and the negative voices that constantly interrupt the process of trying to find a better place within myself reminding me of the harsh realities that have been in my life. I have never really admitted to anyone about the truth of what I refer to as "going on a mission". I never had suicide in mind as that. Ive never consciously thought of going down that road, but Ive certainly had many phases where my isolating myself and "my missions" are purely blind to the consequences to myself of my actions and havent been the wisest or safest things for me to be doing. More a subconscious tearing apart of myself that put me in harms way. It is even a bit embarassing to admit this truth but I guess I am never going to truly overcome this self destructive pattern I have when I find myself in a place where Im overwhelmed by many things I dont know where to start fixing or dealing with if I dont start admitting the truth, so Im throwing the thruth of me to the universe in an effort to stop living in the denial that could one day end up being the worst thing Ive ever managed to do. One thing is to be afraid of the world .. its sure another when you come to realise your actually more afraid of the truth within yourself than anything around you. Pieces of me 05/08/2011
Well I have had no power at my home the past week and very little internet access to spend much time here. The fascia to my electricity and the beam it is attached to has fallen across the front of my 3rd bedroom along with part of the underside of the roof. This has forced me out amongst friends at least. Probably a good thing with the isolated spiral I have been caught in over recent times. I at least got word that at least the big part of the job will be fixed early next week so hopefully should be able to be home by the end of it. I saw a psychic for the first time ever last weekend. What an experience. I dont care how much you dont believe in these people ... I was always a bit skeptical ... but after my best mate organised a get together with a few of us I am totally convinced these people exist. The things she came out with on me as a person ...well what can I say but FARK!!! How she could have known the things she said is beyond me. I think I am more able to put a few things to rest. Having been dragged through my own personal hell of a childhood Im not totally comfortable knowing I chose this life before I was born to experience the suffering my soul apparently inflicted on others in a past life, but hey if thats what it is then it just is. I have always questioned what I did to deserve some things that have happened to me in this life time ... well if my soul inflicted anything in a past life like I have recieved then I sure hope that my soul has been through enough to deserve forgiveness now. I sure do understand the suffering if I never did in previous lives. To hear one or a number of my perpetrators were my victims ... well I may never be their friends or even in their lives but I can find a way to forgive even them. I can put to rest my questioning over my mothers passing away. Although the coroners report didnt really turn up anything suspicious ... I have always had a feeling there was something more to it. In my mind I always thought her boyfriend had a hand in her death and half reserved anger that he could have done something and gotten away with it. Turns out she apparently did it herself. She was there in the room and expressing her sorrow at not being able to help me sooner, but wanted me to know she is with me more now. Its funny as I have had that feeling a bit since moving into the house Im living in. It was uncanny that at the start of my lease ... my first morning in the house was mums birthday and the lease ends on the day she died. I have not actually felt the presence of her like others have spoken of loved ones since she passed away until I moved in there. She had to leave part way through the reading to go look after my brother who is in turmoil. The psychic knew nothing of my history, my family, didnt know what star sign, she didnt even know my name but she saw what I had inflicted upon me, most of which I have never (been able to) share in great detail anywhere. She told me very confronting things about my own thoughts I have not even shared even with my closest of friends. She told me very strongly I need to stay in this world to fulfill my destiny. I found that quite a striking point she kept returning to given recent things that I wont share here and now as its all a bit raw. She described my current state to an absolute T! In a past life I also threw myself off a cliff or bridge into water and was found. Not all great stuff to hear really. You kind of hope going in to see these people for the good things to come out ... but oh well so my reality is much different to alot of others and she told me as it was. At least I know I didnt spend my money on a fake. I did tell my best mate I was afraid of what I would hear if she was for real and well... I had good reason to feel uneasy considering all the things she said. All the others who were read were lucky compared to the confrontation of mine. Still ... I think it was exactly what I needed to pick up my attitude and renew my energy and faith in my own self. I have been much happier since the reading than I had been for many months trying to keep control of this rollercoaster ride of life Ive been struggling with. In all of it she asked very little of me and looked at me very rarely, so I know she was no over smart psychologist that knew how to profile people and place random guesses. Aside from the past and present she had spot on ... Im glad to hear that my girl is going to be very successful, my big dipper rollercoaster life will smooth out in a few years, finances are going to pick up and she saw 2 jobs. Ive been hoping that is a sign that I will secure the yard hand job I went for an interview at Toyota for the day before I saw the psychic knowing my current employer is happy to keep me as a fill in if I do get it. All seems positive so far about my chances at it ... just have to wait for the guy who interviewed me to get back from his week of leave that started today to find out 100%. I do have an insider filling me in on whats happening and have been told that I am a serious consideration for it. To be honest I think it will be a great thing if I get it. Better than what I am doing now considering I have a much greater love of cars than I do do toilets, mopping and sweeping. Centurion Wealth has been turning nicely for me in my absence ...soon I should be able to request another payment from them and will have broken even ...from there on all will be profit. Well I have really broken even considering the first $15 I made in the program I repurchased another token ... but it will be nice to get just a little bit more back into my alertpay. JSS Tripler has been going just fine in my absense too. I like these programs as I can earn even without being online. Outside that I have been missing my music a great deal. I noticed I listen to music far more than anyone I know. I do have withdrawals without it. I dont know what it is ... but without music in my day its just not quite the same. I am looking forward to getting back home to return to my tunes. Here is one Ive been hearing alot on the radio while driving in between friends and work. Until I get access to the net again keep smiling beautiful people! "Money recieved" 17/07/2011
You have to love waking up to "money recieved" from Alertpay. I requested my withdrawal from Centurion Wealth only a couple of days ago. According to the pending date I wasnt expecting that for another couple of days so very nice surprise and an extra few bucks to my account balance already. Its sure good to see a good program on the block to earn some cash with. Now I have this I am going to head there and make a submission on their testimonial page when Im done here. Another good program that has been consistent since the day I joined is the JSS Tripler. Ive been a part of this since the start of April. Not a day gone by that it hasnt done exactly as it says. There are other programs in the JSS system to earn from but I have not spent much time to be able to understand how they work so havent decided to play in any of the others. I dont go out of my way to gain referrals so anything that relies on referrals for earnings I steer away from and dont have the play money to be buying them to fill matrixes and wot not. Maybe someone else has played in the others and would like to share some info to help enlighten me on how they work? I also recieved a withdrawal request from JSS a couple of weeks back while Id taken a break from writing. I earn with both the above with no referrals at all. In all my down and out thinking of late I have also been tossing about what I am going to actually do to pick me up out of this mess I am inside. I may share the sides of me that are not so pretty but I am not one to stay down. I dont know what its worth but I do know I have to do something positive. Firstly Im going to start with looking to change my job. I was thrown in the deep end, both physically and mentally. Ive been abused, threatened and because of stupid laws and the one person (a male twice the size of me) being just that bit slimey and sly I am still having to put up with the shit. I am no longer supervisor effective this Wednesday and will be cutting back to part time. My boss is happy to put me on different shift to the person I am having issues with but he still keeps full time hours and gets what he wants which leaves me with few hours to chose where he isnt working, while getting away with intimidating others and abusing people when it suits him which even though I am not the only one who has complained nothing constructive has actually been done. My boss is a good person but I am not happy with this outcome in the slightest but there are laws are in the way. I like the actual company we are contracted to, which I have also applied to join ... and they want me on board .... but they cant just create a position for me so have to wait and that could take months. However that doesnt mean I have to wait in the position I am in that I really have come to truly hate over the months. I have never had a job that makes me feel so down about going to. Since my job is one thing that makes me miserable to face daily Ive decided to look at going back into customer service. There was a point I reached where I wanted a break from it ... but now Ive had my break I have been seeing many things I miss about it. I made my first step yesterday and will find out Teusday afternoon when I can go for my first interview to try get back into that area. It is a local cafe which would suit me and is so close I could even walk to work if I so please. The person who told me about it knows the owner and is also one of my work references so could be a good chance, maybe. Fingers x'd is all you can do until the day. Anyway .. time to grab a coffee, submit that testimonial and check a few other programs to see where theyre at. Keep smiling beautiful people, when things are not so good it leaves room for things to only get better right? Ive entered the "Snapdragon" part of life 16/07/2011
...part of me has snapped...the rest is draggin  I think Ive posted this before ... I just cant find where it is. It fits for the moment so will post it (possibly again). Im getting tired. I try to keep hope that things will be better .. they are better, I guess, but why do I get over run by the feeling that its just not enough. Im not where I have been but I cant shake the feeling that something is really missing in me? my life? I dont know ... maybe its me that has gone missing. Somewhere between here and there I have lost something that made me content. That drove me forward, that was inspired, that aimed for the moon and reached for the stars, that was unafraid to get right back on that horse and keep riding into the wind. That got a bit bruised at times but didnt get broken with the bumps. I try to think its ok, things arent that bad .... and if I look at the big picture theres really nothing wrong .... but I cant shake the feeling that things are just not right. Most days I just cant get unstuck. I go to create, I sit and stare. I look for inspiration, I get more confused and sit with a blank. I write and I dont like what comes out. I try to step out the door, I just dont want to face the world and step back inside. I sit in the sun, I dont feel the warmth. I have times I think Im on the right track ... but the the tracks always end and I dont know where I am. I look at what I have gained and all I can see is what I have and Im lost. I once felt like I was in control, I had direction, I thought I was going up, but I dont even have faith in my own thoughts. I hear people speak, but cant make sense of their words. I know I wont give up trying, only because I know I wont succeed in that. Little steps, pussycats always land on their feet ..... so I keep reminding myself. I will somehow pick myself up from whatever ditch it is Ive fallen into. Its just getting harder ... I dont know if Im getting heavier or if Im just getting weak. I think snap out of it ... things are only what you think ... but with so many conflicting thoughts I can no longer tell what parts of what I think are real? I try to silence them all, but they wont go away playing at me like a tug of war. Some pulling me this way, others pulling me that and right now Im stuck as they tear me apart inside. Mine, immaculate dream made breath and skin I've been waiting for you Signed, with a home tattoo, Happy birthday to you was created for you Can't ever keep from falling apart At the seams Can't I believe you're taking my heart To pieces Oh, it'll take a little time, might take a little crime to come undone now We'll try to stay blind to the hope and fear outside Hey child, stay wilder than the wind And blow me in to cry . Who do you need, who do you love When you come undone Who do you need, who do you love When you come undone Words, playing me deja vu Like a radio tune I swear I've heard before Chill, is it something real Or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers Can't ever keep from falling apart At the seams Can I believe you're taking my heart To pieces Lost, in a snow filled sky, we'll make it alright To come undone now We'll try to stay blind to the hope and fear outside Hey child, stay wilder than the wind And blow me in to cry Who do you need, who do you love When you come undone Who do you need, who do you love When you come undone Who do you need, who do you love When you come undone... Back to the Little steps 15/07/2011
Time to start taking them again. One thing I find most consistent in this world ... very little is really what it seems, especially when it comes to people, their words and/or their actions. No matter how careful you are there will always be someone there to fill your head with things that are not as well thought out or as definite as they seem to deliver it. Some people can be honest, even if the truth isnt the nicest of things to know but they will care enough of what the outcome of their words and actions are and the impact it has on those they chose to put around them, most will be thoughtless and selfish giving no real regard to you while they use you as a stepping stone to whatever it is in their heads. You cant be sure of them or yourself even when you think you have what you think and consider are all the right signs to go for it. Its funny how some people can even walk all over you and it does very little to who you are or the path your on, they may add a brick to your wall, become a fun side track or speed bump that slow you down for a bit but they dont change what it is you have inside .... but then come people who for unexplainable reasons touch you deeply, opening you to things you never gave thought to or even consider you even had inside yourself ... they totally blow you away. You find yourself falling, somehow feeling safe being blind and believing when they tell you they will be there to catch you ..... only to let you land flat on your face not knowing what just happened. They find the tunnel that breaks through the brick wall you built around you only to hit you with another that comes out of nowhere and you find yourself in a personal trainwreck and more questions with no answers that dont sound like they havent come straight from the script of lame ass excuses as you watch in disbelief the main carriage continuing on its path leaving you behind with barely a glance through the ice block they place between you. They end up giving you nothing thats actually important to helping you understand. All your left with is wanting to do is go back, say no, forget, make whatever impact they had just plain go away because it hurts, not just your heart, but your mind and your own sense of self. Left wondering what good things can you really place faith and believe in this world with people. Left wondering what you can even trust within yourself and whether some things in this life are even worth giving the time or energy to ..... But you cant help thinking surely it cant all just be shallow experiences, surely there has to be something more than you ... alone. You know you will continue on somehow regardless as you try to clean up the mess that left you frozen in a heap on the track with all the stitches of strength you have tried so hard to maintain left undone but at the same time you know that you wont ever be the same inside. In the confusion left you dont know if it was a good thing or a bad thing as you drown in your heart and mind trying to not let it sit in a place that leaves you feeling like something has been broken without the tools to use to repair it. Its even harder when in that mess theres the strangest part of you that just wants to fight for what was before the brick wall you hit, but you dont know how. So strong that it would have thrown away almost everything it knows just to keep it. Strangely feeling more more afraid of not having it than the consequences of trying to get back to the place before the trainwreck. It doesnt want to help push it away like it has with people all the times before. It doesnt want to believe it was nothing, it fights against accepting the lame excuses and all it wants to do is somehow find a way reach out to that main carriage putting away .... to stop it in its tracks and say this .... ... but no matter how much you want to believe you were all they said, because you didnt just hear those things, for once you felt it .... the first time you found something that fit you so perfect ... you just cant. All you can do is fight the want to fight and let it go on its merry way while you try to learn how to swim in the confusion of them and your own self it left you with not knowing when or if you will ever see land again let alone stand on it. Keeping in touch 01/07/2011
Ive been mentally derailed with a few things, havent fallen, just little trips and changes ... not sure what to share of me right now or not, so instead of doing my head in chosing which is what and/or for real ... I just wont. I'll be back when I find something I feel right about throwing to the universe. Keep smiling beautiful people Touching ... 10/06/2011
The following was e-mailed to me thismorning. I just thought it was beautiful and had to share it ... enjoy One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd. I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, 'Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives. He looked at me and said, 'Hey thanks!' There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, 'Boy, you are going to really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday! He just laughed and handed me half the books. Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd... He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak on Graduation day. I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found him during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous! Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, 'Hey, big guy, you'll be great!' He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. Thanks,' he said. As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began.... “Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.” Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story. I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable. I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and Dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize its depth. Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse. God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way. Look for God in others. You now have two choices, you can 1) Pass this on to your friends or 2) Delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart. As you can see, I took choice number 1. Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly. There is no beginning or end. Smokers Rant 05/06/2011
A new week started at stupid o clock thismorning. I dont mind the Sunday morning shift .. not only is it double pay but the day just isnt as full on. I have to call the boss tomorrow regarding the meeting he wants to have ... a bit intriguing. My Ad2million payments pending dates have been pushed back AGAIN by a couple more days but I do see payments made posts in the forums ... wait and see when it comes I guess. As a smoker, who has on and off spurts at attempts to quit Ive found one thing pretty annoying. The non smoking campaign. Sure, its good to have the information available to know exactly what smoking does to your system and the damages. Sure its great that there is a giant move to make us humans healthier and less addicted to something thats not good for us. I dont even mind the banning of smoking in enclosed areas, eating areas, shops, in cars with children etc. I quite support that myself as a smoker. There asre a few things that do bother me though. Firstly .... the amount of saturation these anti smoking commercials have on tv and radio. Why? Because when I am having a go at not smoking I try it cold turkey and these bloody ads keep putting the word "smoke" in my head more often than I actually smoke!!! Do you know how hard it is for people to be constantly reminded of the thing they are trying to give up when its pushed in their faces all the bloody time! Do they not realise by now those graphic images do not really do much in changing peoples actual habit? Do the government, media and the anti smoking foundation even have any idea about the element of smokers actual addictive behaviours? The ads push nicotine addiction .. and I dont doubt there is a degree of addiction the the substances that are contained in a cigarette. I dont recall EVER seeing an ad based around the dangers of addicitve behaviour. You have to think about why anyone would continue to smoke after seeing the ads, reading the information available, the bilboards, the bans, the blah! blah! blah! of non and ex smokers ... some almost as bad as religious extremists some of them! Its got very little to do with withdrawals, or the actual chemical addiction ... it is the addictiveness of the behaviour. I know this, I have signs of addictive behaviours in the things I do. I have spent many years looknig at the behaviours (learned, subconscious and consciously) and psychology of myself through my own personal traumas and as a reflective/perspective tool, others. When taalking amongst long term smokers who havent quit, try to or have absolutely no intention to ... one thing I notice many say "its not the nicotine - its the habit of the actions". I dont even recall having a nicotine "craving" .... my mind clock tells me what actions I smoke with or not. If I am with non smokers, I only crave a smoke when I get bored and want something else to do ..... if I am entertained I do not even think about smoking. If nicotine was such a highly addictive thing how is it smokers can and do use mind over matter in their smoking. We with our own conscious brains train the so called "drug" addiction to fit into our lives, when WE want it ... like with a coffee, a break, after work, a drive, after meals - different users have different habits of action. Its not the drug taking hold of our brains and ruling our lives like things like extacy, amphetamines, heroin, ice or any of the drugs that we cannot always control our addictions to. Replace the habit of action and you replace the addiciton to smoking. I think alot of unecessary money is spent in the aproach to the whole quit smoking thing. They could be alot more successful doing things a little differently than focusing on the "addiction to the nicotine and damage it can cause" ... we humans are far too desensitised by graphics to be rocked by anything a graphic quit smoking campaign ad will do. If anything it makes people trying want a cigarette they were doing well not thinking of at the time it interrupted and it scares young children who see the ads, their parents smoke and arent educated enough to see the bigger picture. Another thing that bothers me about the anti smoking campaign. It is hanging right on the border of descrimination. As I mentioned, sure ban smoking in certain areas ... but since the government dont want to actually have the balls to STOP the manufacturing of tobacco products as it probably makes far too much money from the taxes and sale of these products and accessories to it attacks the little guy, the smoker. It choses to raise the price purely because it thinks well if we cant have the balls to stop the sale of tobacco products because we dont want people in our country to smoke, we will just charge the little guy shitloads for the privilige of making another governent income stream so it can throw more money at things the tax payers really have very little say in even if they do try to brainwash us into thinking that voting and elections is some kind of "voice" we use to be heard ... that voice that gets to elect either dumb or dumber at every election ... oh with a few other jokers and wildcards that dont stand a chance thrown in just to make things seem like they try to offer the people something more than bullshit. Since the government allow the tobacco companies to produce and sell the products and gain taxes from it, I think there should be more tolerance, not discrimination of the fact that some people WILL smoke regardless of how much they raise taxes on them, advertise the dangers of them or whatever. I think their SHOULD be places where it is totally acceptable to partake in entertainment that a non smoker can WITH the right to smoke. There should be events designed FOR smokers as well as for NON SMOKERS. Not this ban the smoker everywhere until they cant smoke anywhere but their own homes. Provide ashtrays in areas ... alot of smokers WOULD keep their butts off the streets given ashtrays to put it. I am sure with the brains of today there can be a solution to public ashtrays NOT being an environmental, safety hazard or an unsightly smelly nuisance in the right places. There should be allowed by law venues the ability to obtain a smoking license just as they can a liquor license. Sure a smokers nightclub or a smokers eating venue should not cause an impact on the non smoking environment beyond its licensed prmeises (and well ok the smell of a group of smokers leaving a venue may be unpleasant for a passer by who doesnt smoke, but they are less likely to be harassed by them than the drunks leaving the pub just as an example). That way a smoker can CHOSE to go to either a non smoking venue and abide by the laws or regualtions of said place or they can CHOSE to go to a place where they are not going be shunned and treated like an outcast because they chose to indulge in something that our gavernemt oversees the sale of, taxes and well although THEY dont make the cigarettes .... by allowing the legal sale of these products is as close to providing them as the people who make them are doing so. I think smokers should have some rights in being treated with some kind of respect instead of being targeted and bullied because the governemnt need to feed the agenda of some group of people who obviously have some kind of influence over their decision making and popularity gathering campaigns. Face it ... this SMOKING KILLS crap .. well hello people ... we're all dying some time whether we like it or not. I know this is confronting for some people who cannot handle the realities that go with life. Its fact death is inevitable. If you want to slow down the death rate stop the birth rate (hell that may even do good old mother nature a favour if we can cause our own extinction!). If the government wants to stop something .. they should ban it, like they do pot (marijuana) because no one can legally get a patent on it for sale so no one in governments have a right to the profits that could be made from it since its a natural substance ... dont make half ass gestures by taxing the crap out of people who partake in what you allow. My very own lung specialist told me when I was being tested and treated for blood clotting (caused by a Protein S deficiency and a tendency to clot ... NOT smoking, that I was told just wouldnt help my predisposed condition from not affecting me) that it will your genetic make up that will determine the amount of damage anything ... including smoking ... will do to any one individual human system. Just because you GET emphysema .. it does not mean you WILL die from it .. just like if you get CANCER of ANY sort .. it does not mean you WILL die from it. It depends on each individuals make up what they will or wont be succeptable to or be able to fight off disease wise. They dont tell you that factual information in the discriminating commercials against smoking. If its the burden on the hospital system from smokers argument that is the concern, then charge the smoker according when they are being trated for smoking related illness ... not before they go in assuming they will even be treated with a smoking related illness. Hell the smoker may not even die from anything smoking related so why should it pay for it if it hasnt happened? I had an Uncle die from Lung Cancer .. he was a priest and never smoked. I had a neighbour die of lung cancer ... he lived around 13 years longer than my uncle. I knew an old lady who smoked nearly all her life and passed away at 83 .. what of ..... natural causes. Go figure. I think we need some intelligent smokers with money theyre willing to spend to fight against the farce of non smoking theories they use to discriminate smokers with and Im sure some probably even make a profit from. I guess I better end my rant purely as time is slipping by and I need to force myself to bed since I have to be up early. Keep smiling beautiful people. On my new phone 04/06/2011
After so many years of avoiding putting internet on my phones by design ... knowing exactly how sucked into it I would get I have finally caved .. and I was right ... Ive been a bit sucked in. A few weeks back I had my old samsung s8300 play funny buggars, it didnt die and still has its moments of working (thankfully cus I managed after a hadnful of attempts to retrieve all the files and messgaes I have saved - some Ive had for years) but it became useless as a tool to be reliably in touch with the world. Like me it decided it would do as it pleased whenever it felt like it. SO I upgraded to the Samsung Galaxy S. It has taken me time to warm to it. I dont like the size of these new phones, they are a bit too wide for my hands I find to feel comfortable holding it. I have been playing with it here and there as I have 3 gig internet included as part of my phone plan I figure I may as well use it. Ive not really been checking much facebook with it .. I prefer to be at my pc for that one still .. Ive surfed a few pages, downloaded some aps stumbling around ... then discovered movies for my phone. Oh dear, now I can download movies in bed and watch them! Im finding this new phone growing on me more and more every time I play with it and discover all the little things it can do (sometimes useless but otherwise entertaining - like the bubble wrap application and Zombie booth I spent a while cracking up at - I cant wait til my girl wakes up so I can show her that one since shes such a Zombie fan) . The speed cam application is also quite funny when it reports you doing 1-3 km per hour sitting on your ass. I was always against getting an Iphone ... just not one of those people who jump to get an item just because everyone else has it. I played with them enough through friends who have bought them but was never actually interested in getting one. Ive never been a great fan of products by name brand and well Apple, as good as they may be in some eyes ... its still one of those brands that dont often play so nicely with generic replacement parts and accessories. The Galaxy is a bit Iphone(ish) but it does feel nicer and well damn it Im hooked. Just over half way through downloading New Moon at the moment. In money - I woke up hoping my first pending payment from Ad2million may be thorugh today .. but then I realised in dates Im a day ahead of the program so the 4th will be tomorrow in that case .... fingers x'd it comes through. I havent mentioned a hell of a lot about EBizV of late. I joined this cycler a long time ago. I at least remember it in my list of places to check now rather than forgetting it so often like I have in the past. I am now less than 1000 positions away from having 3 positions cycle again ... and now understanding how it works KNOW this cycle that I will be due a payment. I was a bit slow in understanding this one, but am clear on it now. There is no consistency in time that positions cycle hear as it is purely first in first out so sometimes it does look like things have slowed down dramatically or even come to a stop for a while ... but patience ahs shown me so far that it does happen. All going well and by the previous history in the program I hope to have my positions cycle out somewhere within 6 weeks. Will keep you posted on when the positions cycel and payments are recieved. Honestly if you want to hit and run with huge dollars here ... forget it ... it just doesnt work like that. You wont make shitloads of putting in hundreds in the NEAR future. If however you are looking for some extra play money here and there to turn your loose change into and have the patience to wait for it ... its a little beauty. I have been paid in the past from EBizV and I do think the program is a little piggy bank worth holding onto, just dont expect fast action and money every day here. I bought 3 more positions in the JSS tripler as well, everything seems to be going just as stated. I have not personally withdrawn anything from here yet, I started small so decided to put my commissions earnt into building my positions for now. Time to get off my butt and get ready to go out for the day. Decided to go to the Mind & Body psychic fair Ive been talking about going to for a looong time but never seem to because of work or some other excuse. I can at least say this time around on my week off work I have finally gotten to do enough to feel like I have had a bit of a life outside of work. Its been a nice and easy week for the first time in many months. Oh and if you're looking for any links to the programs I play around with to make another dollar here and there check out my Paying Programs site ... admittedly I havent updated there for a few weeks, with work, life and exhaustion in the way but aiming to rectify that in the coming weeks. There I give overviews and a bit of an opinion here and there on what Programs I am a part of without all my random personal dribble. Keep smiling beautiful people. | On The Money at
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